Trolls + Mustard + Rossettes = The Perfect Day

We have found the most funnest town in the whole wide world. Really. It's awesome. Everyone should make sure they see Mt. Horeb before they die. Here's the first step toward getting there: http://www.trollway.com/

While in Mt. Horeb, you will see trolls. It is, after all, called "Wisconsin's Trollway of Treasures."

Yes, oh, yes, there are many trolls. Scary painted trolls, grinning with their sharp white teeth. We swear we saw the one in green overall lick his lips and giggle a sinister little laugh.

And wooden trolls, nicely playing accordions. But we were cautious. Aren't trolls supposed to trap and kill children and billy goats and stuff?

But then we met some genuinely nice trolls, but we think that's because they are really gnomes. Garden gnomes, actually, that smiled sweetly at us as we ate our very tasty breakfast at Schubert's.

We think the man in the red hat must be Schubert. We were standing in line getting ready to pay and apparently we looked very much like tourists because this nice guy behind asked where we were from and if we wanted a photo with the owner and out waitress. "Of course we want a photo, sillyhead," we responded and trust the camera into his hands. Well, we didn't really say that, but when he suggested a photo, we agreed that would be fantastic.

Fantastic because of the deliciousness the waitress and Mr, Schubert (if that's really his name) brought to us on clean white plates. There was the Eggs Benedict with the best Hollandaise sauce ever created. (Not as good as Aunt Mary's, of course. Obviously.)

And then Mr. Schubert brought us Rosettes. We had never heard of rosettes. We had never tasted rosettes. We had never seen rosettes. And now, we don't know how life had any sort of meaning before rosettes.

Rosettes are an amazingly delicate and crisp pastry that looks like a flower and tastes like heaven. Yes, heaven. We called and asked St. Peter to FedEx us a sample so we could compare.

We weren't really wondering how the stock market was doing after we left breakfast and headed down Mt. Horeb's quaint main street, but when we saw how cheery the locals are about the Nasdaq and the Dow, well, we wanted to start investing. Seriously, have you ever seen a happier posting of the stocks in your life?

A few steps later we made it to the Mustard Museum, which Troy highly recommended. It was the only reason we came to this town. Really, who could resist the world's largest mustard collection? It could be the only one for all we know. There is even an annual Mustard Festival. How awesome is that? (We missed it by days...poupon us!) But don't ask for ketchup on your hot dog... that's a $40 charge and it comes with a healthy dose of heckling.

But we did get to watch an informational mustard video, complete with 60s cartoon describing how mustard is made. A talking dragon told us all about the process, and then Woody Allen shared his thoughts on mustard. There was also a full minute of video of this farmer dude sitting on a tractor, smoking a cigarette and just wiping bucket loads of sweat from his forehead. We don't know if he had anything to do with mustard or if we walked away from the film any more educated about mustard, but we did giggle a lot.

This the wall of mustard. Do not cross the yellow line. If you do, there could be a mustard explosion. Or you could accidentally knock a glass off the shelf causing all the jars to fall, like dominoes. That would certainly look like an explosion. These mustards are from all over the world...Japan, Norway, California. How you say "mustard" in Swahili?

In addition to a wide variety of ads, posters, knick knacks and fine art (including an impressionism piece of a trio of hot dogs doused with mustard called "Three Dog Night"), there was a collection of mustard-inspired literature. Really now, who wouldn't want to read a steamy romance novel called "The Mustard Seed"? It looks like they **REALLY** like mustard.

And then we stumbled into the store. Better than any store on the planet. Yes, it was that awesome. Marcie and Amanda even, unwittingly, dressed in brown and yellow as sort of a Mustard Museum Day homage to the condiment. We are calling it Mustard Chic. It will be all the rage on the runways in Paris by fall.

Our "confidential condiment counselor" loves mustard and said she landed the job here for two reasons. (1) She was able to recite numerous mustard quotes from Shakespeare (she's a school teacher in her "real job," she tells us) and (2) she is crazy. In fact, she said, she prefers to go by Crazy (yes, single name, like Cher) while working at the museum.

Well, Crazy Becky knows her mustard. She let us sample a good 10 or so. Here are some of the flavors we tried under Crazy Becky's watchful eye: Tangerine Habanero, Honey Chipotle Lime, Key Lime with Ginger, Temeraire Dijon, Banana Pepper, Merlot and Chocolate and the Hit-and-Run Horseradish. (Amanda liked the Key Lime and Ginger best, while Marcie favored the Tangerine Habanero. It was a delightful little splurge.)

But if you don't want to buy from Crazy Becky, you can always go to the world's ONLY mustard vending machine. They run about $3, and don't worry, the bottles are plastic and won't shatter as they come crashing down.

The curator, Barry Levenson, has created this entire mustard educational experience and even cleverly named it Poupon U. Like any good university, there's an array of school paraphernalia. Like this toilet seat. For Poupon U. Think about it. Now laugh out loud.

Tommy Bear attended and graduated with honors. He also now knows the Poupon U Fight Song by heart. We wouldn't let you miss out on that, so here are the words. It is meant to be sung to the South Bend fight song You can practice at home.

"Eat, eat, eat at old Poupon U,

Bratwursts and hot dogs, hamburgers, too,

All with the mustard spread on thick,

We never eat ketchup

'Cause it makes us sick!
We slather it on our bagels and fries,

Licorice and corn flakes, blueberry pies,

Even with out Irish stew

'Cause we're true to Poupon U!"

We know Mt. Horeb is not very close to many of you, so if you find yourseld craving mustard, you can also visit Barry, the museum and Poupon U at www.mustardmuseum.com.